Sunday, December 21, 2008

morning has broken

but unlike the first week of mornings, for once I don't have the feeling that my entire torso is being twisted to the point of the most intense pain ever.  I woke up this morning feeling refreshed.  It's a new feeling and one I hope stays with me.  Is this my mind telling my body that all the things people said are actually coming true?  It does get easier at some point?  As sad as I am life will still go on and I can still function "normally?"  Today, it would appear so.  I've been trying to grasp the "turning point" and I really don't want to have to say that it has been writing all this stuff down here, but maybe it is?  That seems too simple!  I don't think I'll believe it yet because maybe I don't want it to be easy to get over.  I mean, truthfully I'm sure we all do, but isn't there somewhere deep down inside where it does actually, as Mellencamp said, "hurt so good?"  Am I clinging to the pain as it was seeming to fuel me?  I ask an awful lot of questions to nobody.  It's nice to leave questions open-ended and never actually receive an answer.  This way I'm never let down by the response and I'm never left in a tumbling, twisted whirl of false hope.  I miss her.  I miss having my best, closest friend of so long just up and out of my life.  At the start all I could do was dream of having Dr.Howard perform his procedure to erase my memories of her so the pain would stop.  I definitely don't want that now.  I want to remember.  I want to cherish the insanely free-spirited times we shared.  I hope she does the same.  


  1. Tom-

    I say, if you want something so bad...go get it!

    Do anything in your will power to get her back. Send her flowers, leave her love text messages, love notes in her door...never stop trying if she is really what you want. You can't fix what happened, but you can fix the now.

    Maybe there is a need for time to reflect and really find out what you want. But do not wait too long because time does go by fast and it may be 5 years later.

    Obviously, I do not know the whole situation with what happened, but I do know that girls love to be woo'd and told how much they are adored and cared for...Just like in romance novels. That's why we read the smut :) All girls want that romantic courtship and happy ending.

    Go fight.

    Lar Lar

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  3. Yo...

    It's been awhile, but I want you know that when you mentioned writing all of this down might just be the "turning point," I think you're dead on.

    I hit a point in my life where I started writing everything down just to have some sort of outlet for everything that I was seeing and feeling, and it felt great. I took writing workshops and philosophy classes that semester in school. I changed my major, and started living instead of preparing.

    Sometimes you just need to get some shit off of your chest.

    Keep writing, I'll keep reading.

    ...and check your mail, son.