Sunday, December 21, 2008
morning has broken
but unlike the first week of mornings, for once I don't have the feeling that my entire torso is being twisted to the point of the most intense pain ever. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed. It's a new feeling and one I hope stays with me. Is this my mind telling my body that all the things people said are actually coming true? It does get easier at some point? As sad as I am life will still go on and I can still function "normally?" Today, it would appear so. I've been trying to grasp the "turning point" and I really don't want to have to say that it has been writing all this stuff down here, but maybe it is? That seems too simple! I don't think I'll believe it yet because maybe I don't want it to be easy to get over. I mean, truthfully I'm sure we all do, but isn't there somewhere deep down inside where it does actually, as Mellencamp said, "hurt so good?" Am I clinging to the pain as it was seeming to fuel me? I ask an awful lot of questions to nobody. It's nice to leave questions open-ended and never actually receive an answer. This way I'm never let down by the response and I'm never left in a tumbling, twisted whirl of false hope. I miss her. I miss having my best, closest friend of so long just up and out of my life. At the start all I could do was dream of having Dr.Howard perform his procedure to erase my memories of her so the pain would stop. I definitely don't want that now. I want to remember. I want to cherish the insanely free-spirited times we shared. I hope she does the same.